So You’ve Just Been Followed by Anthony Scaramucci

A Survival Guide

STEP ONE: Don’t Panic

This morning I woke up and there, at the top of the heap of my morning notifications I saw him, Anthony Scaramucci, staring up at my sleepy, sleepy face next to the words, “Followed You.”

Wow. The Mooch followed me? Holocaust questioning, foul-mouthed publicly shamed idiot Anthony Scaramucci followed me, ethnically ambiguous, but ultimately very Jewish anti-Trump writer/comedian Gregory Uzelac? Why? How? Once again, WHY?

I had an idea…but I was just too sleepy to investigate. I calmly swiped the notification away.

STEP TWO: Stick Together

On the subway I checked my social newsfeeds. As a comedian, your Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook are filled to the brim with two things: comedy show invites and jokes — concepts, witty lines, some solid meme usage sprinkled about, ya know, jokes. But The Mooch is no joke. Yet, he had invaded my newsfeed. In just one moment, I noticed three, count ’em THREE other comedians had been followed by the short and short-lived former Trump Communications Director. My theory was being proven…The Mooch had reached his pathetic peak, or, rather, rock bottom: Anthony Scaramucci wants to get into stand up.

But then my old advertising days flashed before my eyes. This wasn’t a simple Follower Push, which is what it’s called when a brand or entity, say aRussian Government-sponsored shell company and media outlet, pays money to get followers, but because they can’t legally force the public to follow them, use the totally-in-control-of-Jack Dorsey algorithm to target people who might be susceptible to the slings and arrows of a cherished Follow and return the favour. No this wasn’t that.

He’s not even trying to become a comedian. He’s purposely trying to become buddies with comedians. The least important person at a show. The person who never performs but shows up for the hang. The social climbing “friend” who doesn’t laugh because they know all your jokes, but never gives feedback either. The hanger-on. The self-righteous Rick and Morty fan. The... Oh My G-D. He is becoming The ULTIMATE MOOCH! He’s going to kill comedy from the inside!

I quickly contacted my peers who’d been non-consensually Smooched (this is the term for having any form of contact with former-Goldman-Sachs-banker-parading-as-man-of-the-people Anthony Scaramucci. It is never OK.) and told them I had been too. I had to warn them before-

STEP THREE: Don’t Follow Back

Too late. My friends had already fallen into The Moochrap (This is a trap laid by Anthony “Guy who publicly denies The Holocaust and also missed his own child’s birth to suck up to the GOP” Scaramucci).

Remember: An ironic follow is still a follow! Whatever snark you DM him will only make him stronger. He’ll take your punchlines and rehash them worse. He’ll gobble up your truth to power and bathe in the excrement he converts it into. It’s not worth it. He wants you to Love/Hate him. He wants to be your punching bag. He doesn’t just want to pull a Sean Spicer. He wants to be a new Trump!

STEP FOUR: Remember It’s Anthony Scaramucci, a pathetic, heartless idiot, and move on with your life

The easiest way to deal with Trolls and Mooches is to ignore them. They are sad, angry, greedy attention-seekers who want to make a buck or more by making you mad. Don’t let them.

With Follower Pushes, the client always inevitably unfollows, sometimes as soon as they secure the Follow back. The Mooch is trying to woo me before he screws me. I won’t let him.

So you got followed by Anthony Scaramucci. Big. Effing. Whoop. What does that do for your life? Nothing. Even if he retweets you, remember, he also retweets Nazis, Rapists, Slimy businessmen, Neo-Confederates and that’s just describing The President. Do you want to be associated with that? My guess is not.

If you do want that though, it’s probably because you’re some poor, angry, racist, sexist pig of a person. But you’re not a “libtard, feminazi Jew” comedian like me, are you? You’re not gonna get that follow.

Now that’s funny.